Chasing dreams
by trishtumbles
Summary: "I keep dreaming of the victims. They keep asking me how I got shot in the heart and lived when they are dead? It's the same question I've asked myself a hundred times." A Kill Shot Post-Ep


**Chasing Dreams  
**

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Disclaimer:

All mistakes belong to me, the characters do not.

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Kate Beckett has never felt so completely exhausted in all her life.

The sniper case. Yet again, she's had another brush with her own mortality.

It was scary how close this case had come to both mentally derailing her and bringing her, again, so close to death. Apart from the hostage case (which hadn't affected her directly), this had been the most intensely personal case that she had experienced since returning to work from her own shooting and Montgomery's death; and it had clearly taken its toll.

She had thought that she had made great progress in her recovery over the PTSD that she had suffered after her shooting, but this case had been just too close to home. She had felt herself slipping into the all too familiar patterns of paralysing fear and sheer panic that she had experienced over the summer, but she didn't know how to stop herself from falling again.

Dr Burke had suggested that she step aside, let someone else carry the burden for her, but giving up hadn't really been an option; she was just too single minded and stubborn. So she had soldiered on, pushed the panic down as far as it would go and tried to get the job done. But as much as she attempted to hide it, even a blind man could see that she had not coped very well.

Speaking to Dr Burke after the case was over has left her with a load more to think about, but zero mental energy to do so.

She knows she's been running on empty. Over the past few days, Kate has had essentially no sleep and been practically mainlining coffee just to keep her awake, alert and focused on the job at hand. She can't remember the last time she has eaten... and isn't sure she if could stomach anything at the moment anyway. She's equal parts embarrassed that her team saw her at her most vulnerable, and thankful that the case is now over and she can move on from it.

And at least now she's on her way home; she can just collapse and try to forget the rest of the world for a while.

* * *

As she turns the lock on her front door, Kate can literally feel the tension continue to seep through her bones. Ordinarily able to switch her thoughts off at the conclusion of her case, she feels this one lingering in the back of her mind.

Along with the obvious mental remnants of the case, her side also hurts like crazy from when she had slipped off the ladder in an effort to get a better vantage point of the scene. The start of a migraine is beginning to bloom on the side of her head and the only thing she really wants to do is to take a long hot soak in her tub and then crawl into bed.

Opening the door to the scene of last night's chaos, however, Kate knows that that really isn't going to be an option. With the myriad of thoughts and disturbing images tumbling through her brain, sleep will be difficult to come by.

The apartment that she had made her home and taken such pride in no longer feels safe. The sense of calm that she normally feels upon entering her home had been replaced by one of unease; the consequence of being hyper-vigilant and constantly on edge.

Looking around, she surveys the scene before her. She might not be able to clear the clutter in her head, but at least she could tidy up last night's mess.

It was a start.

* * *

Kate had changed into an over sized tee and leggings and was attempting to restore her living room to some semblance of order when she heard a faint tap at the door.

Kate opens the door to find Castle holding a takeout bag in one hand, and a bottle of wine in the other.

"I figured, after the last few days you've had, that eating might not be the most pressing thing on your mind. So I come bearing food." Castle said, as way of explanation.

The bag hangs heavily in Castle's hands. On closer inspection, Kate can also see an unfamiliar slump to his shoulders and dark circles beginning to form around his eyes. So wrapped up in her own troubles, she really hadn't thought about the toll the last few days would have also been taking on Castle.

Smelling the aromas permeating from the bag, Kate's stomach rumbled. Maybe she was hungry after all. Her stomach clearly overriding any thoughts she may have had to the contrary, Kate opens the door wider, allowing Castle to enter the apartment.

Castle follows Kate into the apartment. Most of the evidence of last night had been cleared away, but small traces still remained. Confident that Kate will confide in him, if and when she is ready, Castle chooses to remain silent; instead taking a seat at the table as Kate busies herself in the kitchen with getting silverware, glasses and napkins.

The Chinese food is plentiful and Kate discovers that she's ravenous; although she does decline Castle's offer of a glass of wine. With Kate practically inhaling her food, Castle is happy enough to hold up the conversation, regaling her with tales of yet another one of his mother's disastrous, albeit hilarious acting classes. He's happy to see Kate begin to smile and even manages cajole a small laugh from her. Castle can see that Kate is becoming more relaxed, her posture loosening, some of the darkness behind her eyes beginning to fade.

Toward the end of the meal, Castle spots Kate's bandaged wrist. Curious, he impulsively reaches out, pulling her hand towards him, taking a closer look. Kate quickly retracts her hand but not before Castle is able to see the trail of blood on the underside of the bandage that Kate hadn't thought to change.

"Kate, what happened?" Castle asks, concern lacing through his voice.

"Alcohol and paranoia make a dangerous combination. I thought if I could just try to take the edge off I'd be able to push through and everything would work itself out... But, I guess, instead of making things better, I made it worse."

Kate looks around the room, searching for something, anything, to change the focus of the conversation. Seeing only sympathy and understanding reflected in Castle's face, she decides to continue.

"The worst thing is, it's not me. I never used to run from things. I used to confront everything head-on. So to try and escape... And with alcohol of all things." She shakes her head.

"I cannot and will not fall into the gaping vacuum of alcoholism."

Like her dad. It remains unsaid but hangs heavily in the air.

* * *

After the meal both Kate and Castle gravitate toward the sofa, both tired but neither particularly wanting the other to put an end to the evening. They both remain silent, happy enough to just share in each other's company for a moment before Kate starts to talk; continuing their earlier conversation, much to Castle's surprise.

"I know that Lee Travis must have been pretty messed up to have decided that the best way to deal with his pain was to make innocent people die. But as twisted as his logic was, he may have had a point." Kate pauses for a moment before continuing.

"Why do some people seemingly have it all whilst others seem to suffer? Travis didn't make the decision for someone to hit him when he had the accident which ruined his career. Much like my mom and I. In the blink of an eye, suddenly your whole world is turned upside down. It doesn't seem fair, you know?"

Castle takes a moment to collect his thoughts before answering.

"It's hard to truly know people as all we ever see is what others want us to see or choose to reveal to us. We might not know the hard road to success someone has taken, or see the tears behind someone's smile. I guess that's the danger in comparing ourselves to others. With our lives, we know the full story, have all the details. But with someone else, the person we see might not be who that person really is… Or even how they, in fact, see themselves."

"I guess so," Kate replies, not entirely convinced, breaking into a huge yawn.

"You should sleep. It's been a rough few days. I should get going" Castle rises to leave.

"It's okay, Castle, you don't need to leave yet."

"But you really need to sleep, Kate."

"Yeah, I know… But I don't know if I can. I keep dreaming of the victims. They keep asking me how I got shot in the heart and lived when they are dead? It's the same question I've asked myself a hundred times."

"Well then how about you let me hold you so that I can chase the bad dreams away. It'd just be for the one night. To help you sleep."

"You'd do that for me?"

"Always. Anything. Whenever you're ready." He can see her start to protest but continues, regardless. "It doesn't have to mean anything more than what it is, Kate."

"It always means something, Castle"

"Okay. So it means something. But right now it doesn't need to mean anything more than one friend comforting another."

It was barely the slightest of a whisper, but in the quiet of the apartment, Castle heard Kate reply.

"Okay... Thank you."

* * *

As Kate readies herself for bed in the bathroom, Castle does the same, as best he can, in Kate's room. He quickly removes his shoes, jacket and jeans, leaving him in t-shirt and boxers. He shoots a quick text to Alexis to let her know not to expect him and then surveys his surroundings with a wry smirk. Not really the way he imagined their first time in Kate's bed would go… But he also never in a million years expected Kate to have opened up to him the way she had tonight. He feels the warmth of pride at the obvious trust she has in him. Not only agreeing to sleep in the same bed, but even without the threat of bodily harm. They've truly come a long way and it makes him hopeful for a future together.

He slips under the covers and dims the lights, hoping that it takes any discomfort out of the situation. He meant every word of what he said to Kate; she needs to sleep and he wants to help her in any way he can.

Kate hops under the covers, positioning herself close enough to feel the warmth of Castle's body but not quite touching. Castle reaches out his hand and Kate entwines her fingers with his.

To the sound of Castle's rhythmic breathing, finally, Kate sleeps.

As she awakens the next morning, with Castle's arm slung low over her waist, Kate feels better than she has in days. Clearer. No; things weren't back to normal, or as normal as they ever were for her, but she is hopeful. Although there is clearly still work to be done, for the first time in a while, Kate is optimistic that she'd get there.

And that they'd get there.

Kate nestles into Castle's warm and still sleeping body, shutting her eyes and breathing deeply. Just five more minutes.

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A/N:

I haven't written any fan fiction in over 15 years, and this is my first ever for Castle.

I hope you enjoy it. Reviews are VERY appreciated!

Thanks to honeyandvodka for the gorgeous artwork and beta; Deb and my Castle girls for all their encouragement - Xx.


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